Questions

Here is a very incomplete list of questions I find useful. Some are questions I ask myself. Others are questions I might ask my partner, my kids, a friend, or a colleague.

The primary goal of these questions is to promote flexibility, learning, and new insights. Openness to new information, new interpretations, a better understanding, or an improved relationship with someone I care about.

Status of this page: Perpetual DRAFT and in constant revision.

To a partner or friend

• What would it take for you to feel safe with me right now?
• How did you experience that conversation/interaction/event?
• I want to understand your perspective and heard you say <what I understood them to say> — What did I get wrong? Help me get it right. (Principle: Active/reflective listening, strong-manning)
• Are there areas where it seems like I am not living in reality? Meaning I’m behaving in a way that I would if different conditions were true?
• Are there things I do that make me seem less trustworthy to you?
• Are there things I do that signal I don’t care about your wellbeing?
• (When the other person seems to be viewing the situation incorrectly): If the [presumably wrong] way they experienced was actual true and their reality, does their reaction/response make sense?
• (When feedback feels wrong/unfair): Is it at least 10% correct? What can I learn from the part that is true/fair? Can I admit that to a person who I feel is being unfair to me?
• Before a conflict resolution conversation: What is my current level of distress? What is theirs? What is my current capacity for a hard converastion? What is theirs? (If distress > capacity for either, consider rescheduling to improve chance of success.)

When experiencing negative emotions, distress, triggers

• Is it possible I have incomplete information?
• What are the facts vs. my interpretation of the facts? See DBT skill: Checking the facts.
• What are the range of possible interpretations? Is the intepretation that seems most likely to me biased toward the negative end of the range possible interpretations?
• Am I displaying black and white thinking? Is it possible the truth lies in between?
• What am I in control of in this situation?
• Am I genuinely taking into account that I may have real personal responsibility in the situation (not just the other party)?
• Am I currently tired, hungry, or in pain?
• Am I digging in and arguing more strongly than my belief just because I haven’t felt heard yet?
• Am I in the best position to solve this problem right now? What conditions would make problem solving more likely to succeed? (Good night of sleep, more information/data, etc.)

On building software

• What problem does the proposed implementation solve?
• Who is asking for this?
• What would immediately change if we had this functionality today?
• What is the negative outcome of not doing this?
• Am I pushing for a certain implementation because of a personal motive (like using a shiny library I’ve wanted to try, because it showcases a niche expertise of mine, etc.) that could be in conflict with the best interest of the project?
• Can I envision the need to support n + 1 of a thing instead of n? How likely is that scenario and how does that change the design?

On personal development and change

• Am I being honest and properly measuring: Inputs, execution, outputs/results?
• What would it feel like today if I had started <thing I'm contemplating starting now> one year ago?
• Does this behavior strengthen/support the type of the person I aspire to be? See James Clear and “types of people”.

On faith, belief systems, and religious institutions

• If presented with sufficient evidence, would I disavow my belief system?
• What level of evidence would it take to cause we to leave my belief system?
• Am I open to hearing an alternative viewpoint or is that too threatening?
• What question(s) cannot be asked?
• What belief(s) cannot be challenged?
• If I am not free to question/challenge, am I displaying intellectual rigor?
• Is my social inclusion and support from a community contingent on adherence to unquestionable beliefs?
• Does my belief system discourage me from consuming certain writings as dangerous?
• Does my belief system encourage me to devalue or downweight my own personal observations or intuitions about the world?
• Who benefits from a doctrine and specifically how?
• Does my tradition value “is it true?” or “is it harmful?”
• Am I requiring the same standard of proof for my belief system that I apply to other world religions? Observation: Many evangelical Christians think Mormons are absolutely insane; these religions are very close neighbors in the grand scheme.
• If I was born in a different culture with a different prominent belief system, have I still applied the same standard of care in inheriting my belief system (from my prominent culture) that I would have had to change to my current belief system from a different one? I.e. did I choose this or just absorb it?
• Does a belief drive me to focus more or less on the good and flourishing of others? Especially people different from me.
• Does my tradition self-filter to largely people just like me (race, socioeconomic status, etc)?
• Does my belief system address the problem of suffering in a morally acceptable way, or does it require spiritual bypassing?
• Does a sacred text promote an idea that seems counter to my observational experience or ethics?
• Has adherence to a sacred text led me to do something that (in retrospect) felt harmful to someone else?
• Do I feel the need to show stronger public support for ideas than my internal level of confidence in the idea warrants?
• What are the moral implications if God helps person A if (and only if) person B (or sufficiently high n persons B-??) prays for their help? Example: What does it mean about God if my prayer becomes the deciding vote for God to intervene and help someone else?
• Can I attribute a positive outcome (cancer remission?) to God answering my prayer if others pray for the same outcome and don’t receive it?
• If a child you loved was suffering and needed help, and it was within your means to provide that help: Would you withhold until a sufficient number of additional parties advocated on their behalf?
• Are the scholars in my tradition honest about the weaknesses of their arguments and the strengths of their opponents’?
• Can scholars or leaders in my tradition admit the possible of partial or complete error on theological intepretations?
• How would an ancient writer with no knowledge of the modern world view the current use of their words?

On spending money

• Would I rather have $1 today or $nn in 20 years? (Time value of money)